The Triune God created humanity in his own image: one humanity in distinct persons meant for communion (Gen. 1:26-27; 2:18-25). Humanity comes in two flavors, male and female. A male is human, and a female is human, though they are irreducibly different ways of being human, and both are necessary for the fullest, truest expression of humanity. One is not more or less human than the other. Humanity is not some gender-neutral, asexual trait shared by males and females, as if sexuality were peripheral to humanity, as if you could take or leave your specific gender and remain human. You cannot be “just a human,” you must be a male human or a female human, equal to and distinct from humans of the other sex. Humanity in two sexes means necessary otherness.
The creation of humanity in two sexes, and the institution of heterosexual marital union before the Fall, points to the purpose of the Trinity in all creation (of which humanity is the pinnacle). The Trinity is One in perfect communion with Other. The relationships between the equal-and-distinct Persons of the Trinity are characterized by mutual, delighted, self-giving, intimate, vulnerable love. The Triune God created in order to extend this love to others. If humanity is going to reflect God’s image, then, an individual cannot do it by himself. “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit [ally counterpart; help as opposite] for him” (Gen. 2:18). The deepest reflection will be in an intimate marital union between equal-and-distinct persons (male and female) that culminates in their love multiplying. By love we create others to love (children) who will also extend that communion of true love to yet others. “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth…” (Gen. 1:28).
So the God of love created humanity to be like him in loving and creating. We don’t all experience the intimacy of marital union, but it is meant to be the crown and conduit of society, of human relationships. It is the greatest picture we have of the spiritual union between Jesus Christ and the Church (Eph. 5:31-32), the Bridegroom and his Bride (Psalm 45; John 3:29; Rev. 19:6-8). In fact, there is a “marital intent in everything… Marriage is the great picture of God’s intent to unite the diverse into the delight of true unity” (Peter Mead, Pleased To Dwell). God’s plan is to unite all things in Christ (Eph. 1:10; Col. 1:20). We were made for eternal communion with God characterized by intimate mutual knowledge (Jn 17:3; 1 Cor. 13:12). This spiritual relationship is meant to fill our marriages with the same life, which means mutual, delighted, self-giving, intimate, vulnerable love between spouses. “‘This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh!’… Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:23-24). This is a holistic, comprehensive “one flesh” union of everything that makes males and females human.
In his book, The Meaning Of Marriage, Timothy Keller talks about how healthy marriages result in stronger relationships all around, while struggling marriages leave us suffering in all our relationships. This is because marital love is central to our nature as those created in God’s image. If God’s grace is at work in our lives and we experience true communion with him through Jesus Christ, then our marriages will be the first relationships renewed in true communion, and love will spread from there. The first priority, then, is our spiritual union with Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ is bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh. This doesn’t just mean that he is “also human like us,” but that he is the human with whom we need union, the joy of our desiring, the necessary Other. He came to deliver us from our self-love by truly loving us and giving his life for us. We fear intimacy with the One who knows our very thoughts, because we suspect it will mean our devastating rejection. But we can be truly vulnerable with Jesus in the confession of our worst sins and weaknesses, because his gracious love assures us that we will be accepted. No matter what lies deep in our hearts. No matter what characterizes our lives as those who have committed spiritual adultery against our faithful God. Jesus willingly absorbed all the pain of our treachery as he died on the cross, in order to extend absolute forgiveness and joyful acceptance to us, for a relationship that lasts forever. Now, in him, we find real freedom to be transparent with God, and we can begin to enjoy mutual, delighted, self-giving, intimate, vulnerable love.
This good news is what we need in order to truly open ourselves up in love to our spouses (and to others in our lives to lesser degrees). It won’t be easy. There will be conflict. But in Christ you really do have the resources for marital intimacy.
